Book yourself a Staycation at Conor's, it's great!

Okay, so we cheated a little; my hair was barely tangled and our fridge was proudly over-stocked when we descended upon Conor and Sandy in Ohio. After only a month on the road, our hallucinations were minor, limited mainly to tall ceilings and plumbing - nothing a few days on solid foundations couldn’t fix. Now, I don’t want to do Lucan a disservice, but I have to admit, there were a few covetous moments during our tour of their suburban sanctuary; most notably when we were led into the home movie theatre. What followed was a House of Cards marathon and more than just a few movie nights. Our homely experience was elevated to the next level when Chef Conor revealed himself as a Pho connoisseur and inspired an obsession that has marred every other meal since.

The beauty of their home, coupled with their warmth, generosity and entertaining dispositions made it almost impossible to leave - and so we didn’t - for two weeks! During that time I had two very informative trips to the cinema; the first schooled me on Keanu Reeves, and his acting career beyond that infamous black cloak. The second excursion convinced me that the fifth dimension is fictional; the very fact that I endured three hours of Interstellar is irrefutable proof of that. There is absolutely no way that a future self would have let a present me queue for that film, let alone enter the theatre without at least a jigsaw for entertainment. Nevertheless, I can now say I too know what it feels like to lose part of your life to a time vacuum.

My kinaesthetic learning didn’t stop there, although perhaps it should, as I am now uncomfortably aware of how pervasive the gun culture is here. I don’t mean to sound preachy, nor do I want to come across as judgemental, but I find it surreal that almost anyone over the age of 21 can be issued a ‘concealed gun licence’ in America. It’s also slightly disconcerting that bullets and guns are sold under the same roof as milk, eggs and velour leopard-print leggings. (To clarify, my issue is with the firearms and not the fashion faux-pas, although according to Lucan, they are one of his more pragmatic purchases.)

I apologise in advance for any Fight Club-esque codes this post might breach, but I feel it’s necessary to divulge my experience at the gun range as it will contextualise my frank opinions and allow you to draw your own conclusions. Now, in the interest of honesty, I will admit to being a rubbish shot as well as a one-hot wonder. It’s no surprise really when you consider that loud clapping makes my eyelids flutter like they’re allergic to one another. Nevertheless, my disdain for firearms has nothing to do with my poor aim, but everything to do with the poor decisions that can be made by those in possession of them. The boy in the booth next to me was a perfect example. For almost two hours I listened to him calmly explain to his older sister how to effectively assassinate someone. When I asked him later if he’d actually kill a human, his response shocked me. “I carry a permit that allows me to protect myself and the ones I love. If you threaten me, I’ll shoot. And I always shoot to kill.” If that wasn’t scary enough, I watched an old man simulate four muggings and empty four rounds on a target less than a foot away. What saddened me the most, was that he barely lifted his gun from under a jumper with the word ’grandpa’ neatly embroidered across the chest.

I guess it’s just sad to think that whilst some are practising love and tolerance, others are training their trigger finger. Although it might be naive to assume that everyone is kind and considerate, I’d chose optimism over pessimism every time.

Needless to say, our time in Ohio didn’t end there. On Sandy’s recommendation we headed to Hocking Hills, which is a hidden gem about an hour outside of Columbus. I imagine this is where all the Bree Van De Kamps of Dublin come to exercise their inner Wilma Flinstone. With their Lycra on and their hair up, ladies can spend a whole day clambering over boulders and ducking into caves, before retiring to a private cabin in the woods for some pinot noir. Whilst we didn’t do the latter, we sure had fun exploring the woods and chatting to a few local enthusiasts.